i don’t miss YOU. i just miss how your skin used to warm mine when you pressed against me and the way i felt when i was with you. you could’ve taken me anywhere and i wouldn’t have cared.
I SWEAR as soon as i’ve decided i don’t want a boyfriend or to kiss anyone or have sex with anyone or anything, i get so much more attention. idgi
it is really really shit that some of the loveliest people have the worst luck.
i don’t mean people (this counts as some of my friends as well) who have nothing typically going on apart from problems that they’ve created themselves. i mean genuine problems that aren’t going to improve by making any decisions or taking action.
i have a friend who is averagely nice and she isn’t particularly horrible to anyone and doesn’t get herself into massive amounts of drama. but she is forever complaining about how she has terrible luck and how she wishes things would go well for her when there is nothing drastically wrong in her life apart from the odd trivial argument or a problem that is self-made. just because you are a nice person doesn’t mean that everything in the world should be completely perfect for you. the fact that the majority of things go well for you is actually very impressive and something that i am hugely envious of. i understand that it’s all subjective and people struggle to understand the extent of things being really shit unless they’ve had a really shit time for themselves. i understand and i get that she’s allowed to be annoyed about something if it’s a big deal for her whatever.
what i don’t get is how self involved people can be when it comes to stuff like that. when someone is going through a really awful time, many people around them don’t seem to consider how that person is feeling and moan about their own petty issues which is just ridiculous. maybe i’m being hugely hypocritical (probably) but people need to get over the whole ‘woe is me’ act and start being grateful for what they do have.
i feel like i’ve lost my sister and i’m going through a mourning process and i do not know what to do with myself
possibly a bit awkward that i dont get on as well with the boy i’ve been seeing for months as i do with his best friend
it is so rare that i tell someone exactly how i feel when i feel it that i’m not even sure what my opinions are anymore. i’m not sure i like any of my friends completely but sometimes i think some of them are okay for limited periods of time. i am one of those people who genuinely enjoys my own company and i genuinely enjoy the company of others but it has to be when i want to be in that particular company or i get incredibly frustrated and do not know how to deal with the situation and i end up in a terrible state of unhappiness or frustration.
i find it genuinely upsetting that the most honest, heartfelt opinions of mine are expressed through my tumblr to absolutely nobody and i would rather that than tell someone else exactly how i’m feeling. i think it’s because i don’t know how to tell someone exactly how i feel and i don’t think i’ve ever been taught how to or witnessed it from someone of personal importance during my upbringing.
at the end of the day, i want exactly what i can’t have. when i’m single (which, in general, is always) i want a boyfriend and cuddles and someone who wants only me and regular sex and everything which comes with a relationship including someone who is willing to listen to me talk about absolutely nothing and then tell me the useless nonsense which decides to escape their brain and i want neither of us to think anything of it because that’s how we want it to be and that’s how it has always been. on the other hand, whenever anyone shows any kind of remote interest in me, i tell my friends that they are very keen and don’t seem to want to leave me alone and i want to sabotage it (and i usually do). i don’t know why i’m like this and i don’t want to be like this but I CAN’T HELP IT.
i’m too scared to be brave.
10th - tort exam
14th - contract exam
14th-17th - FOUNDERS
15th - rudimental at sugar
17th - ben coming up
18th - crim exam
19th - last sugar wednesday
20th - house 41 party then night out (hustle then lounge i think?)
21st - jade’s birthday party then town
22nd - last sugar of term :(
25th - lonsdale 90’s party
26th - county midsummer nights party
27th - bowland thai full moon party
28th - home i think!
then summer at homeeee
had such a good night last night.
jenny and sophie and i went and got the bus to town at half 11. went to sugar and there was the biggest queue ever but we waited and managed to get in relatively quickly.
then we walked to spoons and met up with callum on the way and then ran into covers (i said thank you to him for listening to my drunken ramble the other night and he was really lovely and hugged me lots), george, chicken and a boy with a stripey polo shirt but i don’t know his name.
then i had two jaeger bombs and two doubles, and then we went to sugar. saw pip and shreeman and some other people in the queue and went and said hi to them all and was being a social butterfly (lol) and then went to get drinks at the bar and saw a drag queen and met luke and he was so so drunk because it was his birthday and he was incapable of holding a conversation because he couldn’t remember what he’d just said.
and then we found covers and callum and cat and all that lot in the little room and then spent the whole night with them and covers and i ball room danced on the podium and it was fun.
then we went to get my coat to leave (and the man wouldn’t give it to me for some reason) and then got the bus with jenny, sophie, callum and tom and went to pizetta and found cat and her friend, and sim. then i got a chicken burger and chips and callum had half of my chips, and then i had a bit of pizza and then we walked back to lonsdale and with tom and he was being really weird. then we went and saw hannah and then i went to bed.
okay i really don’t know how to deal with this whole will situation. i spoke to covers last night and realised that he’s a genuinely really lovely person and i really appreciate the fact that he took so long to talk to me and try to make me feel better about the whole situation. i think i’m just going to leave it. we’ll see how this whole situation pans out when i stop making so much effort and just leave him to it. who’s betting that i’ll never hear from him again
i think it says a lot about sophie and a lot about sandie and lisa that despite being friends with sophie for about six months (and having spent half of that apart from each other) and being friends with sandie and lisa for four years-ish, i have been able to feel like i can tell sophie literally anything and do anything in front of her and say anything and she won’t judge me or think of me differently or badly, and i have never ever been in that position with either sandie or lisa.
allow me to describe my relationship with sandie and lisa:
we are friends out of convenience. we pretend that we’re close, i pretend that i tell them a lot, and they pretend that they tell me a lot but in reality, we each only know what we’ve found out through being present, rather than out of want or need or genuine concern. around them, i genuinely have to monitor what i say and hold back. i couldn’t tell them if they were annoying me without them taking it as a personal attack and starting an argument. i don’t particularly like them as people anymore, because of the complete lack (on both mine and their parts) of interest in each others lives, over nosiness. i wouldn’t tell them something unless they directly asked, and even still, i would probably lie. i am only a friend to them when they decide that it is convenient, i.e. if something happens, i don’t find out until i am needed to sort it out for them. at the same time, i tell them virtually nothing because they would only tell whoever asked, and would listen, and in complete honesty, treat me as a bit of a novelty, and a charity case. they don’t seem to understand that each of us have interests in different things, we do not all want or need to be in a relationship.
on the other hand, i feel like sophie and i are the same person. i can literally say anything to her without judgement, and our personalities completely click despite having different upbringings and being from different backgrounds. i actually feel like i have a best friend for the first time in my life. :)
in saying that, i am 100% dreading moving home for the summer.